Parenting: How to manage toddler tantrums

What is a temper tantrum?

A temper tantrum is an intense emotional outburst that involves crying, screaming, kicking, or hitting and often a loss of control. Tantrums are a normal part of emotional development, especially in toddlers and young children who cannot cope with things that upset them. They’re triggered by overwhelming emotions, frustration, hunger, or fatigue.

Tantrums are most common in toddlers ages one to three, peaking around age two. During this time, toddlers develop independence and language skills but struggle with managing emotions and self-regulation.

Why do toddlers have temper tantrums?

Toddlers throw tantrums because they have to develop emotional regulation skills. They may have limited language to express their feelings or needs and struggle to cope with frustration, upset, and their newfound independence. Toddlers with limited language will have more outbursts of crying and screaming because they cannot communicate their feelings or needs.

Causes of temper tantrums

• Limited language skills that make it difficult to express needs
• Hunger
• Fatigue
• Desire to be independent  
• Sensory overload or busy environments can overwhelm
• Big emotions like sadness, anger, upset, or fear

How to respond to temper tantrums

1. Take deep breaths to calm yourself before responding.
2. Get down to your child's eye level and gently touch their body.
3. Validate and label their feelings by saying something like, "Wow, I get it this is so hard. You are feeling so angry."
4. Use simple language and clear explanations to avoid overwhelm.
5. Gently enforce limits on expected behavior.

Managing temper tantrums

• Ensure your child eats regular meals and snacks
• Create healthy sleep habits
• Establish consistent routines to provide predictability and security
• Create a daily routine chart with your child and hang it in sight
• Offer limited choices to give your child autonomy
• Reinforce positive behavior with encouragement and praise
• Give gentle warnings before transitions, like a five-minute warning before bath time
• Help your child label their feelings with words or signs
• Identify common triggers and address them proactively
• Practice self-regulation exercises like rollercoaster breathing (a deep breathing exercise) during calm moments of play
• Explore picture books that focus on social-emotional skills

How can parents stay calm during their child’s temper tantrum?

• Take deep breaths or engage in breathing exercises
• If it’s safe, step away to another room for a moment to calm yourself
• Practice positive self-talk by using repetitive phrases like, “This is not an emergency”
• Remind yourself that tantrums are a normal part of development, and both kids and parents experience them
• Respond calmly and supportively to model self-regulation for your child.

How can parents make temper tantrums worse?

• Reacting with anger or yelling
• Giving in to your child’s demands
• Inconsistent boundaries
• Shaming
• Punishing during a tantrum can increase emotional distress and poor behavior
• Over-explaining in the moment can cause a child to feel more overwhelmed

Ignoring tantrums

Toddlers and younger children lack the skills to self-soothe. Ignoring their tantrums without offering comfort afterward can delay emotional regulation development.